Renovating myself

It’s been a long time since I write mainly because I have been going through so much that I haven’t had a time to sit and write.

When the year started I wanted to do so many things and so many projects were in my thoughts, but also I was holding on to stuff that didn’t let me go through. I was a bit anxious, lonely, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed, tired but with a positive attitude about overcoming all this and succeed.

I had to break up with these things and reorganize my thoughts about myself, my projects and let go.

When I finally said goodbye to what was holding me, I felt free. It wasn’t a one time thing, I had to quit to projects, I had to take decisions, I had to let go of friendships and accept my present, my today, myself as I am and look at the moment.

Motherhood has been hard for the past year and some months. Life has been busy, I had let go of myself and I was drowning. I had to recover myself in order to serve my family properly. In order to put my dreams into actions.

It’s happening people. For some time now, I have felt free, I am rediscovering myself, I am accepting who am I now, and also working on my own personal projects. I’m learning from my mistakes, I’m maturing and growing into a better me. My children are more relaxed, cooperating, feeling loved and I’m enjoying them as I used to, not feeling overwhelmed by what I think people say or react towards them or my parenting, but just focusing on their needs and prioritizing them. It made a difference. I’m busy growing my business which is something I love doing and it’s my thing, it’s my moment when I feel myself, and looking into how can this become a real full time job and generate a proper income to modify it from a hobby to a way of living.

Everything that led to this moment was meant to be. It took me in the right direction to look for God and search for help. I have been for the past 2 or 3 weeks working on renovating my home but if I’m being honest, the renovations that take place and can be seen on the outside are happening too on the inside. Every time I rearrange a room, a box of utensiles, every time I clean a shelf and organize the stuff on it and get rid from the ones I don’t need or bring me bad memories or simply doesn’t serve to any purpose, I realize, that I’m feeling lighter. It brings a sense of peace and order in my mind and therefore in my house so it’s kind of a two way action.

I won’t lie and I’m not yet in the place I want to be but I’m working so hard on setting the right atmosphere at my heart to reflect it in my home and in what I do and viceversa. I’m working extra hard on keeping my mind in line and not letting anything disturb it. I’m working in not loosing myself but in bringing me back and don’t let the past haunt me and stop me from being the chatty, sparkly, high energized always doing something woman, creative dreamer and extrovert I normally am.

I always think, if I were in Mexico, would I be going through all this? My answer is no. So this is kind of part of the expat life for me. It never hit me this hard until now. Being alone, without help, without my family and tribe makes it even harder cause I can’t have a day to just rest and be me. I’m a mom 24/7 and can never get a chance to send them to grandma and just reset. It’s just hard. I slowly started to go out with my friends for dinner recently but I took the youngest because she just doesn’t drink formula and would scream bloody murder until she cries herself to sleep if I don’t nurse her. I need to go out, I know if I were in Mx, I would leave her with my mom and go for a drink with my friends or my husband. I haven’t been me in a while and recovering myself will take time, self love and lots of patience from myself and from the people here who really care for me. They have been supportive even though actually no one knows I’m going through all this.

So I’m in the process of renovating the house but also myself. And here is a photo of how it is coming along.

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